I haven’t posted anything in a while. April was full of remembering and writing was how I deal with it. But May is my least favorite month and I completely deny it the satisfaction of getting to me. Plus, I’ve been so stressed about everything else, I just haven’t had time or energy to think about things, much less write about them.
Things are ok. Money is really hard right now. Switching from serving to a biweekly-paying job. I still have two more weeks before my first paycheck, by which time my bills will be a month late, some two, and my rent two weeks late.
Upside, the job is good. I’m good at it, they’re impressed with me, and I’m getting a promotion a week after my start date. Not bad. They know I know what I’m doing and they leave me alone and I dig it. I get shit done and time flies and I make steady dependable money. Or, I will.
Being out of school is nice. I’m enjoying it while I can, because next semester, college starts again. Last year was easy and lightweight. Come August, I will be taking 3 sciences, 2 of which have four-hour labs, choir, private voice, and History (bane of my existence). But I’m going to have to try my best. I have to do this. I know I can.
Things are different lately, and hopefully getting better. I like fall.
I really do need to get away though. It’s been so long since I left Alabama.
I never think of calling you or how things could have been.
Or twist my mind in circles wondering whose arms you wake in
I’m living alone, living alone, and I don’t need you anymore.
Lately,
I don’t get lost in daydreams
I never lay awake at night staring in my bed
And I don’t think about your face or anything you’ve said
And I don’t think twice when someone says your name
Or twist my mind in circle wondering which of us to blame
I’m living alone, living alone, I don’t need you anymore.
I never walk alone and think of all the empty words
Or wonder when the day will brake or when the tides will turn
And I don’t break down when someone says your name
Or twist my ind in circle wondering which of its to blame
I’ve recently realized my blog is basically a collection of things I could never say to you.
Hah accepted this a while back.
We were never even together, but I think that’s precisely the reason I’ll always be in love with you.
This makes more sense to me than any other explanation I have considered as you why I haven’t given up on you yet. There’s unfinished business. I thought we could fix it but it didn’t work. I need more time. More investment.
I know I haven’t written since before Thursday. You always hated that I wrote. You called it my diary, even though you read it. By the way, it was never meant to conceal secrets, but to reveal to you and others the things about which I could not and still cannot speak.
Anyway, I thought I’d be respectful of your wishes and talk about it instead of writing. It’s harder, you know.
It wasn’t a bad day. It was weird driving through Tuscaloosa and seeing places you talked about and wondering if that was the last place you went before the end. Morbid of me, maybe, but I can’t help but wonder. It’s all so inconceivable to me. What could have made you feel the way you did, leading you to do what you did? I have to wonder what happened that day. I did a lot of time wondering on Thursday.
Don’t worry, I wasn’t too sad, just ok. Which is surprising.
I’ve made an entire trip around the earth since you left it and with time, the pain I’ve felt from your loss has eased ever so slightly. But just know my discontent for your decision and my wondering as to your reasons will never cease. Nor will my love.
P.S. Thanks for showing me something beautiful Thursday. On the way to your city, you showed me your light and it made me feel better.
P.S.S. Forever and ever.
Well, it’s almost here. Tomorrow I’ll be reliving a day I that I wish had never happened. You took a piece of my soul when you left and I have felt the pain of that hole every single day since then.
I know you’re watching over me all the time. Sometimes when I get upset, the sun magically seems to get brighter and I’m reminded of this particular day. Show me something beautiful tomorrow, ok? I’m gonna need it.
Love you.
Well, it will have been a year next Thursday. So hard to believe. And still hard to believe that you’re gone in the first place.
Obviously it’s too late for you but I promise I will never let someone slip through my hands as you did that night. I can never be that ignorant and negligent again. I thought you were ok. You’d always liked to be alone and I figured you could handle it. I thought you were stronger and I was wrong for assuming that.
You broke my heart when you left but you taught me a terribly hard lesson.
Miss you. Love you. Always.
I’m going to Mississippi to see your place soon. I need to see it in stone.
Even though we were never really anything more than a kiss and flirt, you are the reason I believe that there are people we are ”meant” to be with, but choose not to be.
