June 2012
0 posts
Lately, I don't think of you at all. Or wonder...
I haven’t posted anything in a while. April was full of remembering and writing was how I deal with it. But May is my least favorite month and I completely deny it the satisfaction of getting to me. Plus, I’ve been so stressed about everything else, I just haven’t had time or energy to think about things, much less write about them.
Things are ok. Money is really hard right...
May 2012
3 posts
Blog Code
dearoldlove:
I’ve recently realized my blog is basically a collection of things I could never say to you.
Hah accepted this a while back.
Precisely
dearoldlove:
We were never even together, but I think that’s precisely the reason I’ll always be in love with you.
This makes more sense to me than any other explanation I have considered as you why I haven’t given up on you yet. There’s unfinished business. I thought we could fix it but it didn’t work. I need more time. More investment.
April 2012
4 posts
I know I haven’t written since before Thursday. You always hated that I wrote. You called it my diary, even though you read it. By the way, it was never meant to conceal secrets, but to reveal to you and others the things about which I could not and still cannot speak.
Anyway, I thought I’d be respectful of your wishes and talk about it instead of writing. It’s harder, you...
Well, it’s almost here. Tomorrow I’ll be reliving a day I that I wish had never happened. You took a piece of my soul when you left and I have felt the pain of that hole every single day since then.
I know you’re watching over me all the time. Sometimes when I get upset, the sun magically seems to get brighter and I’m reminded of this particular day. Show me...
Well, it will have been a year next Thursday. So hard to believe. And still hard to believe that you’re gone in the first place.
Obviously it’s too late for you but I promise I will never let someone slip through my hands as you did that night. I can never be that ignorant and negligent again. I thought you were ok. You’d always liked to be alone and I figured you could...
Meant To Be But Not
dearoldlove:
Even though we were never really anything more than a kiss and flirt, you are the reason I believe that there are people we are ”meant” to be with, but choose not to be.
March 2012
5 posts
I want to start over. So badly. I don’t want any of what I have. I still want to talk to my mom every day and I want Yzabela to be a huge part of my life but those two are the only ones. I just need to go.
I need to move. Maybe I’m one of those people who just needs something new more often than do others. I need to be somewhere else. I’m already tired of being here.
We’ve got a lot to learn. And god knows we’re worth it. I won’t give up.
Best Mistakes
dearoldlove:
This morning I put on the top you loved, the pants you took off, and the shoes I wore when we eloped. I wanted to text you about it, but I knew you’d say all those things were mistakes. Mistakes that made the best summer of my life.
I think summer is over. It’s not what I want, but it is what I fear.
Easier
dearoldlove:
I learned the hard way it’s easier to lose the one you love than watch them not love themselves.
Maybe so.
February 2012
6 posts
If there was a way/To try and make you stay/Would I know what could be done?
However far away, I will always love you. However long I stay, I will always love you. Whatever words I say, I will always love you.
Always is strong word but I’ve come realize the truth the word holds for you and I.
How Can I?
dearoldlove:
You were never mine, so how can I say that “I want you back”?
Word for Worded
dearoldlove:
Don’t worry I got exactly what I deserved. He broke my heart just like I broke yours, word for word.
Ugh.
Lie, Eyes
dearoldlove:
I wish that when I looked you in the eyes I didn’t see the love I did when we first met—I wish that they could lie to me.
Real Grief
dearoldlove:
What I hate is that my grief is more real to me than anything else these days.
January 2012
5 posts
I can’t make your heart feel something that it won’t.
Not Quite to an Old Love
dearoldlove:
Yes, I do see you staring at me. Yes, I want you. Yes, I’m in a long term relationship. Yes, I love him. Yes, I lust you.
One of the Days
dearoldlove:
Today is one of the days that I still love you.
Well.
Untitled.
Used to steal your parents’ liquor And climb to the roof Talk about our future Like we had a clue Never planned that one day I’d be losing you In another life I would be your girl We’d keep all our promises It’d be us against the world In another life I would make you stay So I don’t have to say You were the one that got away The one that got away
I really...
Built Back Up
dearoldlove:
You made me see my weakest moments after you left with no explanation.
Thank you for making me realize I could build myself back up.
December 2011
1 post
November 2011
2 posts
For some reason it upsets me that you’re hurting. Although you did the same thing to me, no reason and no explanation, it hurts me to see you ping through it, especially since I know first hand how it feels.
I’ll be here.
I’ve kept that promise. Always will.
These nights come along rarely but sometimes, late at night, when I should be asleep, I have the strongest longing to talk to you; I miss your voice and your condescending words. And I love you.
If heaven exists and you’re there, make sure you meet my granddaddy. I miss him a lot lately. I wish you’d possessed the courage he did. If that had been the case maybe you’d still be...
October 2011
5 posts
Half of my first year without you is over now. I can’t believe I didn’t realize it yesterday. I’m glad I didn’t though. I would have been upset so it’s better this way.
The weather is beautiful. Reminds me of the day we went walking down by the bridge in Irondale. Moments like those on days like today are the ones I try to remember.
Miss you every day.
Um,
you’re dumb.
yep.
Thanks
dearoldlove:
Thank you for allowing me to move on. Thank you for being happy for me. It means more than I can say. He’s fixing the parts of me that you broke. I will always love you, but you are my past and he may be my future.
Sometimes thinking about it just makes me sick. Literally makes me throw up. And I just sit here and cry and I ponder all of things that went wrong and the few that went right and everything and anything I could’ve done to keep you here.
And it’s haunting.
When will I see you again You left with no goodbye Not a single a word was said No final kiss to seal any sins I had no idea...
I’m so thankful for you and what you gave to me while you were here.
You could’ve stayed, you know.
The pain is easing. Save my not comprehending the reason, I have accepted that you are gone. I think it’s incredibly unfair but I knew that I’d have to accept it eventually. I am still trying. I will never cease to wonder who you’d be today, or ten years from...
September 2011
5 posts
So, recent news..
matthewryannorris:
I found out Monday that my mom has Ovarian cancer. We’re all taking it as best as we can, but I’ve still been worried all week. As of today it looks as though it hasn’t spread, and she’ll be going to have surgery to remove the tumors in about 2 weeks.
Basically, pray for my mom please.
<3
love you Matthew. I’m here if you need anything.
Your birthday is coming up. Can’t believe you didn’t stay long enough for this. I’ll make sure to make it to 23 just to spite you. :) I wish I could’ve said everything I need to say now before you left. It scares me that I’ll go through the rest of my life without seeing those eyes again. I know you’re with me and I’ll never forget it. You own a piece of...
Don’t lie to me. I know you very well. And I know where your heart is.
I’m happier with my life than I have been in a really long time. My boyfriend is the best and I’m so glad that I get to spend all of my time with him. I don’t hate UAB like I thought I would. It’s really not bad at all. It’s a lot different than Auburn. I enjoy being in the city though. It’s what I’ve been needing for a while. So yeah, things are good. :)
We took one more trip around the sun,
But it was all make-believe in the end.
No, I can’t say where he is today,
Can’t remember who I was back then.
Miss you and love you so much.
August 2011
4 posts
Everything in the world that I constitute as beautiful or peaceful reminds me of you. I feel you in the wind and it reminds me of how you touched my hair so gently. I love you so much. And I miss you.
Hearty
dearoldlove:
I’m afraid you’ll always be in my heart, even if you aren’t in my arms.
Quiet
dearoldlove:
I used to have so much to say.
I’m nervous about school. I feel like so much has happened in the last 6 months and I’m just scared of starting this new thing. I still want all of the old stuff back. Auburn, I miss you. But you are my home and I will never stay gone for too long. Ever to conquer, never to yield. War Damn. <3 Jackie, I miss you as well. When march and April blew by with all of their fury, I...
July 2011
11 posts
“Dancing slowly in an empty room,
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing...”
– “The Lonely,” Christina Perri
Not in Anyone Else
dearoldlove:
It took me 10 years to stop looking for you in others.
It will… Bleh.
I could’ve sworn that I saw you outside my building today. I wanted it to be you so badly. He had the same dreads and I really just wanted to touch them. I will never forget how awkward they felt. :P nappy ass hair. Don’t worry though, he was much kore ghetto than you and therefore way out of my comfort zone.
I miss you and I love you.
And I really hope you’re happy.
I hope...
Back of the Jeep
dearoldlove:
I’ll never forget that moment in the back of your Jeep when I thought I felt alive for the first time. Maybe it was just lust, but thank you anyway.
I wish I could remember my dreams.
Inner Order
dearoldlove:
I wish I could file a restraining order against my thoughts & dreams of you.
I have a lot to say lately. It’s just been a really long few months. And with losing Jonathan, I’ve been remembering a lot of things. My relationship with him was the most straining, difficult, passionate one I’ve ever had. I can’t say it was the most painful, but it was very hard. So on that, I’ve been thinking of the people with whom I surrounded myself in the...
Nichts mehr zu sagen.
Ende.
Ich denke an dich sehr oft.
Aber ich denke nicht mehr alle von das gute an. Nur die Negativ. Strategie.
Count on Counting
dearoldlove:
I pretended not to know when you asked how long it had been since we talked, but we both know I had been counting.
“And all my fears/Creep and crawl across my skin/And these four walls/Are after...”
– “Under Contol”, Parachute